


A Necessary Discussion

by MathIsMagic



Category: Dreaming of Sunshine, Dreaming of Sunshine - Silver Queen
Genre: Asexual Character, Dreaming of Sunshine - Silver Queen - Freeform, F/M, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Loyalty, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Sex-Repulsed Character, Shipping, Silver Queen's Dreaming of Sunshine Universe, They love each other so much, They're so close, i love these two so much, qpr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:00:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MathIsMagic/pseuds/MathIsMagic
Summary: 'I love you,' he wants to say, but can’t. Sasuke can feel the bitterness in the smile this unspoken thought brings him.Everyone else calls what they do dating, no matter how many times they’ve told everyone that they weren’t.





	A Necessary Discussion

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dreaming of Sunshine](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/53648) by Silver Queen. 



> MEGA thanks to Frolic/Wafflelate. She did some SERIOUS rounds of revisions with me to help me really pull this together. She's so great.

It’s an otherwise normal Nara family dinner night when it hits Sasuke that he can’t put his feelings off any longer.

 

Shikako’s parents still welcome him to those, no matter how crowded the table is starting to get, with Kino and Temari and now little Shikadai. Sasuke is discreetly watching Shikamaru try and fail to get Shikadai to eat his mush, trying to decide if he should help or if he should just stay out of it, when the topic turns towards preparations for an upcoming Nara clan holiday.

 

Shikako excitedly joins in with the conversation, but she never gets so engrossed as to miss that Sasuke doesn’t speak up at all. She shoots him a questioning look, but he shakes his head. This isn’t the time or place for it.

 

The thing is, Sasuke is a member of the Nara’s family, but even so, he knows that _this_ does not concern him. Like Temari, he’s not a true-born Nara — technically, he’s not even married in, no matter how close of a bond he shares with Shikako. At best, he’s unofficially adopted.

 

Regardless, the fact remains; this may be his family, but this is not his _clan._

 

For the first time in a long time, Sasuke looks around the table at all of his loved ones, and feels alone.

 

The Uchiha clan has a holiday coming up too, he realizes. How long has it been, since he had been able to properly celebrate that? And what will happen, when he’s gone? There would be no one left to honor his ancestors, to continue their rituals, to maintain their traditions.

 

His teammates would come with him, he’s sure, if he asked them to celebrate with him. They would learn his clan’s traditions and perform them them with him.

 

But, there it was again. With him. _For_ him.

 

But would they - could they - continue them after he passed? What would happen to his clan’s legacy then?

 

Shikako notices his pensiveness during dinner, but after that initial look, she decides to wait patiently until they get home to ask about it. She sees the way Sasuke shuts down when the discussion turns to clan matters, and there is an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach that she knew what this was about.

 

So, she doesn’t say anything as they walk home, hand-in-hand. She gives him a _look,_ worried and knowing, once the door closes behind them, but doesn’t press when he shakes his head again.

 

This is… delicate, something he’s been putting off for too long now, and Sasuke wants to make sure he does this right. Knowing Shikako, he probably won’t get another shot. By the end of this, he’s going to have to make a choice between two things he’s not sure he can live without.

 

He’s a coward, he knows, waiting until they get into bed, waiting until she’s as vulnerable as she ever gets, physically. But, saying this will make him vulnerable, and he will take any advantage he can. He _is_ a shinobi after all.

 

And, if this means he can hold her in his arms like this one last time… well, shinobi are selfish too. Especially Uchiha shinobi.

 

Shikako gently rests her head on his chest, pulling him even closer than normal. _I know what you’re doing,_ she’s saying, _and I’ll allow it._

 

 _I love you,_ he wants to say back, but can’t. Sasuke can feel the bitterness in the smile this unspoken thought brings him.

 

Everyone else calls what they do dating, no matter how many times they’ve told everyone that they weren’t.

 

To be honest, Sasuke _wishes_ this is what dating was. He loves falling asleep next to Kako every night. He loves making her breakfast, and getting dinner in return. He loves spending the bulk of his days with his best friend and closest confidant. If this was dating, that would mean this could be marriage too, and he could keep her forever, just like this.

 

But he’s pretty sure, when people say that they’re dating, that they would expect “more” from their relationship. Things neither he nor Kako seem particularly interested in.

 

Sasuke loves Shikako with all his heart, but he isn’t _in_ love with her. He wants _her,_ not all the things that would come with _dating_ her.

 

Except one.

 

“I miss my clan,” Sasuke says in a hoarse whisper. And, dang it, that’s not how he wanted to start this. He had been practicing his speech in his head, and it’s already ruined.

 

It wouldn’t have mattered, to Shikako, even if he had started off on what he felt was a better foot. She’s been waiting for this moment for a long time, and now that the inevitable is here she would prefer to keep this as direct as possible.

 

“I know,” she finally says, trying to prompt when he doesn’t continue.

 

Sasuke looks down at her in surprise. She sighs and leans back, putting as much space between herself and him as his grip will allow.

 

He already misses that comfortable contact.

 

“I’m not surprised, Sasuke. I’ve always known how much you love children, and that you want to bring back your clan. This...” she waved her hand, encompassing the space between them, “whatever it is we have isn’t something the others understand. They only understand ‘romance,’ and ‘marriage’ and — and ‘ _heirs.’_ ” She turns her head, staring up at the ceiling so she can only see his reactions from the barest corner of her eye.  “It’s… it’s okay. I’ll move out, and we’ll make it clear that we’re not a thing like that. Publicly. This doesn’t have to change anything else between us. I’ll always care about you so, so much.”

 

The resignation in her voice pains him to the core.

 

Shikako doesn’t give up _._ It’s one of the things he loves and hates most about her. Pain, death, the end of the _goddamn world?_ Shikako has stared them all down, pushing forward until there was nothing else she could do, no matter what it cost her.

 

The only time she didn’t, the only time she ever gave up, was when—

 

She had no hope.

 

Was the possibility of a future with him truly so daunting? More so than the apocalypse?

 

But that made no sense. If Shikako knew this was pointless because of her own feelings, she wouldn’t be resigned, she would be _firm._ Decisive. That means she believes the problem is with _him._

 

Couldn’t she see that he was trying? That he wanted to find a solution? Why was she giving up on him? On _them?_

 

“So that’s it then?” he mutters. “You’re giving up, just like that? Konoha’s most brilliant mind can’t see even a hint of another possibility?”

 

“Do we have another choice?” she shoots back. Isn’t that why he having this conversation with her? Instead of just going out and dealing with it? Why do this to them, if she wasn’t in the way? Doesn’t he know she would have suggested a solution if she had one? “You want a family. And you can’t find someone to start a family with if everyone already thinks you’re starting a family with _me_.”

 

“But that’s the whole point!” _Why didn’t she understand this?_ “I _do_ want to start a family with you. _”_

 

She stiffens in his arms. He holds her a little tighter, afraid she’s going to run. Afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop her if she did.

 

But he’s said it, now, and he can’t let her leave until he finishes. After that… he’ll deal with it when they get to it.

 

But Shikako beats him to it.

 

“You know I don’t — I don’t want that. I-I don’t want to do that with you. With anyone. I can’t be your wife like that, Sasuke. I can’t give you children.”

 

Shikako waits, bitterly, for him to understand. To realize that she can’t do it, and give up on her. Or, perhaps, for him to accuse her of being difficult. To try to change her, like Shika and the Nara, and everyone outside of Team Seven always has.

 

“I know that,” Sasuke reassures her. “Of course I know that.”

 

Shikako has practically wilted in his arms, and Sasuke doesn’t know what to say to make it better. He doesn’t ever want Shikako to regret the love she’s given him so freely. She should never sound like she’s _failing_ him for something she’s always been clear she couldn’t do.

 

He needs to be clear on that point. He _knows,_ and this is _not_ her fault, but he needs to vocalize his dilemma, at least once. Needs to know that every possibility has been explored before he has to start deciding which pieces of his heart to cut.

 

He shifts, closing the space she had put between them and regaining that contact he so craved. She doesn’t pull away again.

 

“I love what we have, Kako. I don’t want it to change, and I know you don’t either. But, it’s not _all_ that I want.”

 

She’s still, for a moment. Then, so softly he almost misses it, he feels her give a slight nod of acknowledgement.

 

“Then what is it you want, Sasuke? Exactly.” _Is there really a compromise to be made here?_ she can’t quite bring herself to ask. _Or do you still not understand what I’m saying?_

 

Sasuke takes a deep breath and then he bares his heart to the only person in years who has ever held enough of it to break it.

 

“It’s just. In my dreams, we’re exactly as we are now. Except, in the mornings, when we wake up, instead of just making breakfast for two, we have a full table. There’s a little boy with Nara earrings practicing his Grand Fireball in the yard. Or a little girl, with Sharingan eyes, and an explosive touch, and her mother’s kind smile. Sometimes both, and maybe a whole brood beyond that, causing trouble enough to drive Sensei to drink, even though no one can _prove_ it was them, because they’re too much like us to get caught. But, always at least one.

 

“And sometimes, I want them so bad it hurts. Because I want you, and I want them, and you have _never_ wanted them. And I don’t know how to have you all.”

 

Sasuke sounds _heartbroken,_ and Shikako wants to swoop in and fix it, like she usually does. But.

 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers, her ribs shuddering against his. “But I can’t. I _can’t.”_

 

“I know,” he whispers back, pressing a soft kiss into her hair. “You’ve never like children. Not the really young ones. And it’s not fair of me to ask that of you. I just. I needed to make sure. To have you say it to me directly that you’re not interested in raising children—”

 

“No. You’re wrong.”

 

“...I’m wrong?”

 

Shikako sighs. She sits up, and he sits up with her, holding her in a hug beneath his chin. She stares at her hands as they twist nervously in the sheets. He waits, quietly, for her to continue, desperately trying to squash the flutter of hope that had risen in his chest at her denial.

 

“It’s not... that I don’t want children for their own sake. I’ve seen, with Kino, and Shikadai, that I can learn to connect with them. That they’re not so awful, and that I even rather like them once they start to speak. And now that everything’s over, that it feels safe to actually plan for the future…. Maybe. If you told me more about them, the ones that are so real to you, from your dreams. If you made them real to me too. I could see us raising a kid like that.”

 

 _As teammates_ , she can’t say, because that is the part that always trips her up. That that would be the ideal way for her to spend her life. As _partners_ with him, in the most basic sense of the word.

 

But _teammates_ don’t raise children together. They jointly train students, at best. No, it’s _spouses_ who raise children together. Who give each other everything she’s given Sasuke, _and then some._

 

But she can’t give him more, and she knows, no matter how much he says he wants her now, that he’ll realize one day that he wants more, and that she’s never going to change her mind and give it to him and he might grow to resent it. She can’t let him settle like that.

 

“I don’t…” She pauses, reconsidering her words. “I think I could help you raise a child. It’s just that I can’t _have_ your child. I can’t do that. Not even with you.” She has to stop, to take a breath. She knows her voice is going to shake if she says more, is going to give her away, but it’s important to say. The most important, maybe. “Not even _for_ you.”

 

Sasuke feels a slight dampness where her face is buried in his shirt. She’s tearing up, his brave, strong teammate who doesn’t cry even when faced with the end of the world. Her cheeks are flushed, and she won’t meet his eye. She’s _embarrassed,_ he realizes.

 

Pieces click into place in his mind, and Sasuke finally understands _exactly_ what her biggest problem with starting a family with him is. And it’s so much smaller of a thing than he expected; it seems so ridiculous that they’ve hurt themselves this much over it.

 

He can’t help himself; he huffs out a small laugh.

 

“Oh, is that all?”

 

“Don’t you dare make fun of me, Sasuke!” She pushes back against his chest, meeting Sasuke’s eyes for the first time since he had confessed. “Everyone knows it’s not some small thing. If we were _married,_ there are certain expectations to be met. And _everyone_ wants that! And they’re unhappy when they don’t get it! But not — I _don’t,_ okay? I know that it’s _weird,_ and _not normal,_ but I never have. And that’s not going to change no matter how much I care about you!”

 

And yes, those are definitely tears, and they’re all, each and everyone _his_ fault. She has been clear. But obviously, he hasn’t been.

 

Sasuke reaches out with one hand to cup her face, wiping away her tears with his thumb.

 

“Is that what the problem is? Not just children, but that you thought I was waiting on you to give me _more?”_

 

She nods, leaning her face further into his palm.

 

After the war, Sasuke had been Shikako’s rock.

She had long made a habit out of breaking into his room at night and snuggling in close to him when she couldn’t sleep. But after the war, it became a nightly ritual, and slowly, more of her things had migrated to the Uchiha compound than had remained at home.

And then, as their peers began to pair off and marry, it had started to feel like Sasuke was her only confidant. She had clung to him even tighter.

She knew what it looked like, from the outside. What everyone assumed about them.

 

“I’ve always liked what we’ve had. But after the war, Ino said you looked at me like Sai looks at her, and that I better tell her when we made it official. And I could brush that off, once. But then Sakura said she was jealous. And mom and dad started making comments. And Shikamaru started glaring at you again. And everyone just. Seemed so sure. Even when I told them otherwise.”

 

But even as people talked about them more, Sasuke had never pushed her further. He had been so patient with her, and slowly she stopped feeling like she was leading him on, like she was keeping something from him, every time someone made that assumption again. She had started to think that maybe he didn’t want that from her either. That he could be happy with _just_ this.

She let herself get selfish, hoping that Sasuke’s dreams to revive his clan would somehow work themselves out without her having to give her place up.

 

“And now you’re finally admitting it, and when I tell you I _can’t, you_ don’t believe me either! You think it’s _funny,_ that I’m _overreacting—”_

 

Shikako’s voice is getting higher, her words are coming too fast. Sasuke shushes her, cutting through the rising panic.

 

“Shhh, Shikako. I’m sorry, I wasn’t laughing at you. It was just. A bitter laugh. At myself. For causing us so much trouble. When I said I want what we have now, I _meant_ it. I don’t want more, except maybe some of the legal paperwork and rings...”

 

“Everyone _always_ wants more—”

 

“ _I_ don’t. Really.”

 

Shikako wants to believe that. Wants to believe that he truly doesn’t want — _need,_ the others sometimes said — _more_. But she know’s it’s not possible, because—

 

“You want a family. Kids. You want them so much it _hurts_.”

 

And there they were again. The sticking point. An impasse. Shikako wanted a partner. Sasuke would expect a _wife._

 

“Yeah, and if I knew how to skip all the messy steps in between loving you, and raising a child, I would. Because I want to keep you - keep _this_ \- too.”

 

Sasuke relaxes slightly, and he feels Shikako uncurl a little in his arms.

 

“...You would?”

 

“I would.” He runs his other hand through her loose hair from root to tip, soft and soothing the way she likes best. “Kako, all I’ve ever wanted from you is for you to hold my heart — and,” he adds, to help ease the stress of being so emotionally vulnerable, “maybe, occasionally, my spare kunai.”

 

She smiles, snorting. “Lazy,” she murmurs, leaning back into his chest and holding him close.

 

“And maybe it doesn’t fix the problem,” he continues, “but it feels like it gives us a _chance._ Somehow, simple biology seems so much less daunting an obstacle than your feelings were.”

 

“It is,” Shikako says.

 

Sasuke freezes.

 

“...What?”

 

“It is,” She repeats. “Less of an obstacle. Than changing my mind.”

 

Sasuke blinks at her. She just shrugs.

 

“I’m pretty sure all of the science has been figured out on that front, actually. It might take some tweaking to do it more ethically, but I could probably steal the basics, at least, from the snake’s old notes. Tsunade never took away my access, after all the work I did stopping his creations during the war. It shouldn’t be hard to jury rig his cloning advancements into reproductive technology. I’d just need psych and medical oversight, probably, to get the go ahead. I’m sure Sakura and Ino would oblige.  If… if you’re okay considering something like that.”

 

Shikako glances up at her unmoving partner, suddenly afraid she had horrified him by bringing Orochimaru into something most people want to be good and pure and precious.

 

“...Sasuke?”

 

Sasuke realizes his arms have gone slack around while he was lost in thought, and he quickly holds her close again.

 

“Sorry, sorry. I just. I got distracted. By the bit where you said it wasn’t a big deal to completely subvert human biology. Like it might actually be possible to get everything we want.”

 

 _Oh_ , Shikako thinks. _Not horrified. Hopeful._ She smiles.

 

Sasuke’s voice doesn’t quaver on that last sentence. It doesn’t. Because that stupid hope is fluttering more strongly than ever and—

 

“I’m very confident it’s possible,” she assures him. “It’s going to be, like, so much paperwork though.” Shikako makes a face at the thought.

 

“I’ll help you,” Sasuke promises immediately. “You focus on bending the laws of nature, and I’ll fill out all those scary forms for you about it, okay?”

 

“Deal,” she agrees quickly. She and Sasuke have always worked well as a team. Together they could do this too.

 

Shikako lays her head back on Sasuke’s chest, and he curls his fingers back into her hair, and they lay back down, just feeling each other breathe.

 

“Sasuke?” Shikako asks, quietly, when it becomes clear neither of their hearts will be settling down anytime soon, after the rush of those revelations. “Will you tell me more about them? The kids you see? Will you make them real for me?”

 

XxXxX

 

Omake:

"If you get me a ring, it better do something cool, like hide a poisoned pin or something."

"Of course, Dear. I'd never get you anything less."

"You know, we're going to have to come up with a better story for Ino. She's going to pout that you didn't ask me right."

"Well, we can re-stage this next week, after I find you your murderous ring. I'll make sure it's demonstrably romantic enough to keep her off your back."

"You're the best. See, this is why I keep you around."

"And I'm grateful to be here."

\---

Omake 2:

"Kako, what are all of these seals on our daughter's back?"

"Oh, I just inked a few protections I thought up. Alerts if she starts crying. Barrier seals if someone tries to touch her with negative intent. Anchoring seals so no one can take her where she's not supposed to go. Explosives, because every woman needs them. Stuff like that. You know. Normal parenting things."

 

 

 


End file.
